love more, worry less

Worrying can be so consuming. It brings a person inward, instead of open and outward. Today, I am trying to love more and worry less.

Matilda wants to explore. She loves helping and wants to participate in chores just like her brother. I know that what she does is out of love. Yet, what she sees is a mother respond to that love with panic. And I don't want that. For example, Matilda likes to throw things in the garbage, wipe Parker's nose after a sneeze, wipe down the vacuum, clean the floor, and get her hands on anything she can reach. Cute and sweet yes, but with my worry visors on, all I see are germs and the possibility of losing my girl.

I know, I am being extreme. And I can just picture the transplant team responding to this with a, "Kelly, she is fine. Let her be little!" And, although I know they are right, I can't seem to allow myself to believe it. I am just not there yet.

I still look at Matilda everyday with awe that she is alive. I still get butterflies when I think of her future. I still have this feeling that she could be taken away from me in an instant.

But today, today I am going to try to love more and worry less.

P.S. Matilda has been sick for a week. She has a cough and over the weekend she threw up. She was tested for RSV and the flu, both of which came back negative. She has not had a fever. She is happy and unaffected.

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