on motherhood

There is nothing I love more than my children. They have defined me. All my life I have searched for a place to fit in, a place to shine, a place to challenge and encourage constant growth.

Motherhood is that place for me.

I am not perfect at it, by any means, I make mistakes, I have moments I wish I could redo, but everyday I do my best. Some days are filled with laughter and play. Some days are lazy and boring. Some days are full of tears, worry, and sadness.

Motherhood is not perfect.

I don't think it is meant to be perfect. If it were, we would lose the opportunity to teach our children about disappointment, sadness, hurt, and worry. And skipping over that half of life would set our children up for a life half lived.

Motherhood is about forgiveness.

There was never a magical moment for me where my instincts took over and I knew how to mother. I needed to learn a lot and still feel like I have only scratched the surface. Breastfeeding, soothing, entertaining - it all seemed so hard and foreign. My instincts told me when to worry, but not what to do or how to fix things. That takes learning and practice.

Motherhood is magical.

If someone offered me the opportunity to trade all of the pain, worry, and heartache I have experienced (or will experience) as a mother for happiness - I wouldn't take it. Because there is magic in all of motherhood, not just the good stuff. The pain I experienced losing my first pregnancy brought an abundance of joy with the knowledge that I was already a mother and could take on anything with the healthy arrival of Parker. And in those long and dark days with Matilda nearing her end, I became aware of a strength living inside me that I didn't know was there. There is always something to be learned, something to be realized, and something to love.

Motherhood is not a game.

I take it very seriously. I will always choose my children. I could care less about this blog if it interrupted the lives of my children. This is not my investment, they are. This is only a space to capture and share in the journey we are on. My children, their safely, and their happiness is the only thing that matters in my life.

Motherhood is not just for mothers.

Tyler and I work as a team. I wouldn't be a mother without him, I wouldn't be the person I am today without him, and there is no one I would ever trade for him. He holds me when I cry, he encourages me when I feel lost, he stands by me when I feel threatened. He reminds me that I have always been a mother. That I have always held my children with the utmost importance. That I have always done my best, each and every day. He knows I am not perfect, but he knows that my mistakes don't define the value of motherhood.

Last week was hard. But it was filled to the brim with love.

And that is motherhood.

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