a wink

Every Thursday I look back at a specific day and time that was spent with my daughter Matilda as she waited for, received, and recovered from a liver transplant. She was in the hospital for 72 days and we remained in NYC until she turned four months old.

November 2nd, 2012 - a wink

We had gotten the news, we had let it soak in, but we hadn't told our family or posted anything on Facebook. We had been an open book up to this point. But this, this was so uncertain. And so, we decided to hold onto the news until the next day.

Tyler went to the RMH to get a good night of sleep, do some laundry, and prepare for the the next few days. I set up shop in the chair next to Matilda. I felt calm and resolute. I felt excited and prepared. And although I felt thankful, at this point, I wasn't ready to think about it. I wasn't ready to think about the parents who had just lost their two week old baby. I couldn't think about the liver that waited inside a tiny baby for our surgeons to go and get it. I couldn't think about what it all meant. I just wasn't ready. And that is okay.

All at once I felt like I was looking from the outside in. I wondered why I didn't feel more. I wondered how I was so collected and sure that everything would be okay. I replayed everything in my mind. That first night I was a mess, I was terrified, and panicked. This morning I was heartbroken saying goodbye to the most precious and sweet little baby I had ever know. And now, I felt good.

I feel asleep that night whispering to myself, "To the moon and back, let the moon bring her back." I slept hard and awoke to a perfect report that the night had gone extremely well - she was weaned off one of her blood pressure medications, but her nose was still bleeding from the day before. Lindsey (our nurse - one of the very best) hugged me tight before saying goodbye, "She is in good hands."

The day had just begun, and I was already filled with tears. Today was the day. Matilda's six week birthday and the most important day of her life. I was holding Matilda's hand saying good morning when she opened her eyes (a very rare occurrence at this point) and I heard, "Dr. Moon is on his way to take a look at the liver." A smile creeped across my face, it was a wink from God. The surgeon's name was Dr. Moon.

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