the clouds turned gray

On September 29th, 2012 around 10pm I wrote the following on Facebook: "Please pray for Matilda, we are back at the ER and she is not doing very well. They are sending her to Burlington tonight to see some specialists.

I can imagine the shock that it brought, especially to our family. Matilda was a healthy baby. I had posted on my previous blog some mounting concerns about feeding issues and lack of weight gain all of which are normal new baby issues.

Everything happened so quickly, or did it? I am not sure. It is hard to tell when she started getting sick - the line was blurry. How did I not see that she was orange? I kept telling myself it was okay. She was just different than Parker. I reminded myself that a friend had a baby girl who would spit up so much she would hold her over the kitchen sink for easy clean up.  I heard all of our mother's warning "you never wake a sleeping baby". I started to get that sinking feeling in my stomach urging me to take action. I took Matilda to the doctor three times that week. She was fine. Yet, I would still lie awake at night trying to get her to nurse. Trying to convince myself things would get better. I think it was Thursday when Matilda's belly button started to bleed a little. I called my sister-in-law to check if that was normal. All babies are different, right?

I called my doctor (who was out of town) and he suggested I take her into the ER. Matilda was so still, quiet, and tiny. Nurses kept coming in and out of the room happily commenting on how cute and new she was. They kept on saying how she was such a good baby. "She is such a good baby", kept playing over and over in my mind. A good baby would be crying. A good baby would not lie still while being poked with needle after needle in an attempt to have blood taken and an IV placed.

Once they took her blood, all fell silent. Everyone was quiet. They told us that she was jaundice, but not the normal baby kind. It was her liver. Tyler and I had nothing to say to each other. We sat silently in the room. I tried to pray, but could not find any words. We waited. I opened up Facebook in an attempt to reach out and ask for prayers. We needed prayers and that was the fastest way I thought we could get them.

That night 33 people stopped what they were doing and prayed for Matilda. It brought us comfort, and we are thankful for that.

They moved us from the exam room to the ER triage area so that they could have a visual on Matilda. No one explained what was going on or what was happening, they just kept telling me that Matilda was very sick. The look in their eyes told me more. I remember feeling really cold. Before leaving for Syracuse, after being turned down by Burlington, I posted this on Facebook: "Matilda's liver is not functioning correctly. The doctor said she is very sick. On our way in ambulance now. Keep praying please." It was now September 30th. As I took off down the road, siren blaring, and tears rolling down my face I read the 21 comments left by family and friends.

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