not okay

So many of you have reached out to me saying the nicest things about how graceful I have handled this year. How inspiring I have been. But I am starting to wonder if things are catching up to me. I was so focused in putting my trust in God's hands that I didn't always allow myself the chance to process what was going on.

In high school, I went to an amusement park with my best friend. She loved roller coasters and I was terrified of them. But I am not the type to let fear stop me in my tracks. So we went on every roller coaster. She would scream in delight and raise her hands and I would buckle down, close my eyes, pray, and wait for it to be over. And then we got to the biggest one and as we crept to the top of the big hill she turned to me with wide eyes and said, "I didn't know, I didn't know." I smiled, grabbed her hand, and together we screamed the whole way down. I feel like that sums up my year.

At times I look back with amazement. I experienced so much love and grew tremendously. Yet, other times I look back and think, "Did that really happen?".

I am getting to the point where my strength is just not good enough. I am falling to pieces over the littlest things. I am obsessing over germs. And I am tired all the time. This is not the person that I want to be. Not the mother I want my kids to remember. Not the example that I want to set.

And then I have these magical moments where everything melts away. Laughing until I can't breath with Parker. Receiving a sloppy kiss from Matilda. And I realize I am human, I am blessed, I am okay.

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